A home is not an ATM

I have been wanting to send a quick thank you note to all my fellow Americans who couldn't tell the difference between a Home and a ATM.

A - ROID'S MESSAGE MACHINE

"Top Ten Messages Left on Alex Rodriguez's Answering Machine."

10. "Hey, it's Mark McGwire. Want to get together this week and not talk about the past?"

9. "Joe Torre here -- thanks for helping book sales"

8. "Could you find a steroid that keeps you from choking in the playoffs?"

7. "Are you worried this will taint all the championships you didn't win?"

6. "It's Bernie Madoff. Nice try but I'm still the most hated man in New York"

5. "Michael Phelps here. Got any snacks?"

4. "This is Sammy Sosa. Just pretend you don't speak English"

3. "Michael Phelps again. Did I call you or did you call me?"

2. "Hey, it's Rod Blagojevich -- I'll say you're innocent, if you say I am"

1. "It's Madonna. You got a phone number for Jeter?"

My dad needs an Owl

My father called the other day and said he needed an Owl.

He like myself have never read a book so I knew he was not making a Harry Potter reference.

Then I thought maybe that was code for a women. Maybe in the 1930's they called chicks they met night Owls.

Well apparently an Owl will scare away birds from your house or in his case the 8 x 10 patio cell they give seniors at Del Boca Vista.

So after our weekly trip to Sizzler for Malibu Chicken we headed over to Home Depot.

Here he is with the Owl. If this doesn't work he says he wants a BB gun. I am reluctant to buy him the BB gun but you gotta let kids make there own mistakes.

Lots of things have Changed since last I rode

The world has Changed since the last time I rode my bike. I got out the other day for my first venture on the road and I was struck by the many things that have changed since last time I rode.

I spent lots of time in the gym during the last 90 days. In the past I would ask someone If I could work in with them on a machine. Now you just have to wait for them to finish sending a Text message. Sorry fatty that does not count as cross training.

I have lots of Insurance , I changed to State Farm. I have have auto , home , fire , earthquake , locus swarm , life and something called an umbrella. Oops I don't have Life they wouldn't take that risk, do you blame them?

I was attacked by a pack of wild bees. I remembered Dane Cook and I punched one of them in the face. Damn that felt good to punch a bee in the face.

Someone was yelling hey fattass from a 1988 Honda civic in Mentone. I couldn't figure out who he was yelling at. I looked around and couldn't see anyone else ?

I have a new Bike. I figured this will be the toughest of all my comebacks. So I will need a technologically advanced steed to find my way back to my place in the riding world. I have no place in the riding world, that will never change.

The value of my 401k and Home have changed . Thank God another 600 stimulus check is in the mail. that should pay for some pedals for my bike. Will they change the name from 401 k to something else. 401 k just sounds like something that would have a really big number in it...mine does not.

My State Tax Refund is going to be paid as an I OWE YOU. I remembered they did that in dumb and dumber with the money in the suitcase. I would file early if I were you.

Jock Cousteau and Budweiser

No more free beer samples at SeaWorld.

There are no free lunches in life, but one could always count on free beer samples at Anheuser-Busch theme parks. Until now.The brewer has put the kibosh on the free beer samples at its SeaWorld theme park in San Diego.

The brewer plans to build restaurants, or other food-related venues, which have a broader appeal to children and families.

I will tell you the only appeal that place ever had for 50 bucks was the fact my father could throw down some free beer. this free beer allowed my father not to beat us as we waited in the heat for one hour to see the Seamore and Clyde show.


Thankfully I have memories of my youth . Enjoying the Shamu show in the splash zone while my Father was full of 8 ounce beer samples. I am just worried about the future of the parks. Parents will now be forced to endure the Penguin encounter sober. There will be more beatings at SeaWorld than a Walmart toy aisle.

''People who like beer and the hospitality of those facilities might be disappointed,'' Sea world executives said. ``This was something that had pretty narrow appeal. We were looking to expand it into something that had broader appeal.''

Really a broader appeal than beer. you might want to check your statistics. Well good luck with your new build a Shamu work shop for 19.95 a toy. I for one will not return until the beer is free once again and we can all watch the dolphin show the way God intended it.......Drunk.

Are you master of your Domain ?

There are two types of people in this world. The ones who get it and the ones who don’t.

Get what you’re asking.

That all of life can be traced to a little show called Seinfeld.

From 1990 thru 1998 we were given 180 episodes of Seinfeld. Until the advent of this show many of us just thought the daily freak show that we endured was unique to each of us.

This last year reminded me of how important Seinfeld is.

The root of many mistakes we all make can be traced to the worlds colliding episode. In life you should never let your worlds collide.

When your worlds start to collide you may have to lay low while the dust settles. A good place to do this is in a Bubble. The bubble Boy all taught us that a plastic bubble is a nice get away.

Once the heat is off you might head out to dinner with the family. Just remember that your nana may have owned a pony even though you hate ponies.

If you find yourself a little sluggish before a ride you might reach for a “mango “.

During my lay off I went shopping for a little support. I still can’t decide between the “bro” or the “Manzere. “

I went to Panera bread the other day for soup. I asked for small turkey bisque. When I asked for bread I was refused service for one year.

That seemed a little harsh so I headed over to H & H Bagel. The strike seemed to finally be over. I can still hear the echoes of no bagel, no bagel.

As you can see there are really no way you can go through a morning let alone an entire day without a Seinfeld reference? Just remember as funny as those shows were they all had more messages than an after school special starring blossom.

The next time you find yourself doing something that seems very familiar. Ask yourself what George would do. And if you find yourself in a situation George was in you are already in big trouble.

So as you head through this year remember that your only chance at success may be to do the opposite.

Good Luck and Serenity Now !

The Comeback has started

The gift of time that was the gift I received from Santa this Christmas. I received this gift back in October in the way of a broken Pelvis. Many of you have been wondering why I didn’t use this time to update my Blog. Hopefully this recent photo of me will answer some questions about what I have been doing.

After a brief stint bouncing around a few hot dog eating contests in central Asia I have official began my come back. I am not allowed to ride in public until Mid January. I am not sure if that is because my bike frame is suspect to hold my body weight or because I look like the Ron Jeremy of cycling.

Last month we ordered our new team Redlands kits for the upcoming season. I went with Medium. I wonder if it’s too late to change my size.

Happy Holidays