The Comeback has started

The gift of time that was the gift I received from Santa this Christmas. I received this gift back in October in the way of a broken Pelvis. Many of you have been wondering why I didn’t use this time to update my Blog. Hopefully this recent photo of me will answer some questions about what I have been doing.

After a brief stint bouncing around a few hot dog eating contests in central Asia I have official began my come back. I am not allowed to ride in public until Mid January. I am not sure if that is because my bike frame is suspect to hold my body weight or because I look like the Ron Jeremy of cycling.

Last month we ordered our new team Redlands kits for the upcoming season. I went with Medium. I wonder if it’s too late to change my size.

Happy Holidays

Suck it France

Lance shown here just a few minutes up the road from me at this years Boston Marathon has decided to return to professional cycling.


I called Lance to ask why....Lance said After beating me in this years Boston Marathon he knew he had done all he could do in the world of running. I offed my help in getting him back on the bike.

He said he may be at the Saturday ride next week and wanted to know who the four horseman were and do Health Net riders get free medical and dental ?


Welcome back Lance , Eat it France.

Where are these Squirrels coming from ?

Is it just my imagination or is there an inordinate amount of squirrels on baseball field this summer.

When I was a kid . They had many give a way nights to get you to the ballfield. There were such classics as the Met life windbreaker, Disco sucks and Hat night. Now adays the parks offer the stuff that really gets the kids out. Thunder sticks, Big Daddy Vlady bobble heads and Those giant foam fingers.

All of the above are great give aways and surely get an extra 20 kids to the park.

In my opinion if you really want to see attendance at baseball games pick up you need to randomly release some type of VAR MIT onto the field. Now the fat umpire chasing down the squirrel is good comedy but lets flip it. On any given night a cheetah or cougar would be released. Who wouldn't pay good money to see AROD mauled by a wild animal.

Anyhow I have forwarded my suggestions to the Pittsburgh pirates. Next season they will give it a try. They will promote Jack Hannah Night. Baseball just got fun again.

No more Socks and Sandals

Last night I attended a Pizza Party for a local cyclist. Now when I say cyclist I mean a Cyclist. I was the only person at the table that did not own 5 bikes.

This crew of people consists of many people who actually ride Mountain, single speed; Time Trial, Road, Cruiser, and City. I think Matt Freeman may even have a Rickshaw in his garage.

You know you’re a big time Cyclist when an employee of Trek drives you to the Party and makes sure you get home safely.

I digress as usual. The reason I thought I would mention this crew is the following. Most of them have blogs and race and win many Mountain bike events. At these events they take many pictures suitable for framing. The picture invariably has somebody in that coveted sock and sandal combination.

When did it become fashionable to pull off the “Del Boca Vista “
Look. I see this at many bike races. Is it really too difficult to sport a pair of slaps before or after the event without those lame themed sock.

So listen up cycle dorks, Its Shoes and socks. Just socks or sandals no other combination is allowable unless your 85.

Coffee Shop or Apartment ?

Elwood came to the Coffee shop for the " fake studying" , He meet many ladies with his LLU Dental school T-Shirt.

The other day was my birthday. Another Hallmark holiday. I don’t know what disturbed me more. The people who didn’t send me a card or the people who did? If you Google my name does it tell my birthday and real age, crap!

Anyhow, here’s another observation that can only be traced to my age.

When did the purchase of a cup of coffee entitle you to a day of home ownership? Best I can tell you can show up at Stell’s around 7: 00 am. For the purchase of one cup of coffee you will receive the following:

- A table and chair
- Unlimited use of Electrical outlet.
- Air conditioning
- Bathroom
- Free refill of your coffee.
- Free honey, sugar and milk and water.

If I owned a coffee shop, I would serve the coffee in three sizes. Scram, Beat it and get the Hell out of here. Is there any other business in America that lets you just hang out all day in there building for $ 1.50. If I ever loose my job. I am going to sleep at the Y at night and then just hang out at coffee shops all day. In Redlands we have enough shops that I could probably have a 10 location rotation.

Why do they refill coffee for free? Why is beer one and done. How come I can’t get a free refill at hangar 24? Is a “HOP “more expensive than a coffee bean?

See you all at the coffee shop. I will be the guy with the Commodore 64 and a cup of”I have no place to be for 8 hours. “

It's me Mark we ride together

Are you too cool for school?

There seems to be a time and a place where certain people are your boys.

In certain circumstances you can go from being someone’s boy to a total stranger.

Just this morning I was dropping off my rig at the Repair shop. I like to throw the bike in car and ride home…that’s how green I am.

Anyhow, I saw said cycle dude at the coffee shop. I am like sup dog…Now on Sunday morning I am the funniest person he has ever met. But now he is with a co-worker.

Lets just say I have relatives who owe me money who looked happier to see me. I couldn’t get a “Hey this is fake lance “or a “Whoa did you see Manny went 8 for 13”.

Makes you wonder. In our crew who’s your boy? , no I mean are they your boy at crit or are they just the dude who pours you coffee. Steve you are both. I would take a pull and a scone for you.

Just remember If you see someone around town and there not in spandex its OK to say sup.

A quick note , Over the weekend a bunch of the crew went to the Jeff and Tricia’s wedding party. We learned a few things about cyclist that night.

1. We don’t dance.
2. Cyclist Wives Don’t dance.
3. People who go 4 wheeling get liquored up.
4. Then they want to dance with Cyclist wives.

Thanks For being Manny

Today 7/31/2008 the Boston Red Sox traded Manny Ramirez. I have no poetic words for the action. Manny Ramirez was and is the purest hitter in all of baseball. He looked more like captain jack sparrow than a left fielder.

Today I mourn the loss of Manny. Thanks for being yourself. Thanks for being Manny. Because at the end of the day We all loved Manny being Manny

The Old West

In this day and age of communication its funny to me how many people don't really seem to get it still. What do I mean. Well between the cell phone, pager, home phone, e-mail , text messaging and voice mail and lets not forget Instant messaging for all you AOL dorks. There is basically nowhere to hide.



Have you ever been at home and your cell phone rings. you see the number and your like oh hell no. Then 1 minute later it's your home phone. Seriously.



See I liked the Old West. The scenario would have gone something like this . Hey old Two finger willie escaped and were getting together a posse. You would see the sheriff next week at the salon and your like damn what time was that . crap i though you said 1:00 at the old red barn.......Man I would have really loved to be there.



So here the deal unless you are forming a posse and The hooters bandit has escaped lets just go with the one form of messaging....and if nobody gets back to you in one day. Maybe there's a message.

THE 100 YEAR WAR " RIDER V. CAR "

To understand the the battle we cyclist endure every ride , you must first understand history. In fact you really need to return to the 100 year war between the English and the French. This war began in the 1300's

The Hundred Years' War was a time of military evolution. Weapons, tactics, army structure, and the societal meaning of war all changed, partly in response to the demands of the war, partly through advancement in technology, and partly through lessons that warfare taught.

But what the 100 year war really gave us was the " finger " . See the English had this weapon called the long bow. You would pluck the bow with your middle finger. When the French would capture a Englishman they would cut off his middle finger so he could no longer pluck the bow.

During a huge rally at the battle of Agicourt the English overcame a 20,000 to 5,000 man disadvantage. At the end of the battle all of the English would hold up there middle finger and yell " pluck you " , This gesture has now filtered its way some 700 years later to what we now now as the " the finger ". and of course the "pl " has been dropped and an "f " has been switched.

So next time a car or a Health net rider pisses you off, you can take pride in the gesture and understand the origin of its roots. So get off my wheel and " pluck you ".

DON'T SHOW UP FOR THE SUNDAY RIDE WITH THAT SCHWINN JUST YET

In Redlands there are many cycling teams. Each of them has there equal compliment"s of poser's, guys who actually race , Fred's and weekend warriors. If you spend enough time on a bike in Redlands you will eventually end up on one of these teams.

On Team Redlands we are lucky enough to have " the four horseman ". These are the four guys who dictate where we go. how fast we go there , how many miles we go , so on and so forth.

The Sunday ride has been well, very lame for a while now. None of the horseman show up. The Sunday ride is pretty predictable with a bunch of irregular surges , half Wheeling and a sprint for a mailbox near the Mormon church. Nothing to blog about.

Today as I sat there with the other " plumbers " of the team a weird thing started to happen. Norm showed up.......Then Zack..........OK the Sunday ride just got interesting. ..Whoa there's JT... then came Turner...

These four Horseman had not been on the Sunday ride since we moved to Stell's.

Long story short...I got home at 1:30 pm today from the ride...Rode through lots of single track....Threw my bike over a fence...Heard a guy yell " Sick balls chopper " had a peacock attack my bike...Had a fat women on a horse in Norco yell at us...

The moral is this ..the four horseman didn't get that good on there bike's because of that predictable Sunday ride. These guys push the miles and the tempo...We should always ride like were with the four horseman...

REAR VIEW MIRRORS ARE NOT TROPHY CASES

The other day I was on the road. I noticed this dude in his 30's driving his Sweet 1998 Honda civic. That car alone is gonna pay off with the ladies. But just in case they don't fall for his concern for good gas mileage or his choosing a car with few mechanical problems. He added that one thing that really tells all you need to know. He has his " graduation tassel " on the good old rear view mirror.

Now here is the deal I'm going to give him credit that tassel is from a college. ITT tech and the Jack Taino school of bar tending don't have graduation with gowns or tassels. They just e-mail you a diploma and your on your way. So I ll go ahead and say its from Riverside community college and he is in the Management training program at big 5. I digress, the digits on the tassel were 98. Obviously he got the car as a graduation gift.

So hear is the question. What is the statute of limitations on a graduation tassel hanging from the rear view. Can a man ever have some crap hanging form the rear view. I mean its the big 10 year anniversary of this blessed event.

Since this traumatic event on the road. I have been paying attention to what people are hanging from the rear view. Here is a sample of the crap I see on my way to Hangar 24. ( did you know i get a free beer every time i mention H24 in my blog).

Pitt Pass = Nascar freak.

Sun Catcher = Holistic Zen driver about to be blinded.

Handcuffs = Kinky chick or Dawg the bounty hunter

Air Freshener = Cinnaberry Tree scent , The ladies just go crazy for that smell ( see what is a Gilroy)

Bandanna = gang affiliation

Child's first pair of Shoes = That so precious i am gonna hurl.

BABE RUTH WOULD HAVE MADE A GREAT CRIT RIDER

I was watching ESPN. They had this great stuff on Babe Ruth. It hit me , what makes Babe Ruth the greatest of his sport. Babe transcended the game, he made more than the president. . But as Babe said. Hey , I had a better year.

The thing that most impressed me about Babe was not his ability on the Field. It was his ability to drink , smoke and eat like a fish. This dude could seriously put away the hooch. he would show up 10 minutes before game time and go 4 for 4.

I often show up for the Saturday ride more than a little hung over. Oh, hell two weeks ago I was still drunk. Now, I don't have the god given talent of Babe Ruth or Craig Turner. But I am glad to know that Babe Ruth would be proud to call me his boy. Can you still be an athlete. if you eat and drinks like crap.

The lesson is this. Some of the dudes I ride with could use a drink. Get your life back in balance. Stop eating chicken breast surprise with a vitamin water on Friday nights. Drop by Charlie's Jewell's for a Gorgonzola burger and some Hangar 24. You can do Babe Ruth proud.

PS: Babe Ruth was originally a member of The Boston Red Sox. He took up drinking after he joined the Yankees.

BOSTON IN 7

Get on Board. If you are driving around the 909 thinking its cool to have
a laker flag on your rig , it's not.

Kevin Garnet is the epitome of a warrior.

That this dude has no rings and Will Purdue has 5.





Must destroy Kobe





The Boston Three party





Below is the MVP of the Finals jersey , get one before the series starts.

I HAVE MANY LEATHER BOUND BOOKS

In the World of Cycling I race under assumed names and pseudonyms.
My best race results can often be traced under the name " Unknown rider "
I have accumulated many points under this tag and an upgrade.

Before any big race I ask myself the basic question. Why would anyone
put there lives in these other dorks hands. Or more importantly do they realize
I have there lives in my hands.





Below is my place of choice at any " Crit " lead out when I see a
guy with a camera or a relative in the crowd. In a few more laps I will fake a mechanical and steer into a bush.






Here is my prodigy Travis earlier in the day working on the upgrade.
The trick is to have enough medical coverage and gas money to race 10 times as a Cat 5.

He ended up taking 2ND. He received a medal , 2 cliff bars and a patch kit.






Since I felt the prize for 2ND place was pretty lame I arraigned for
Travis to get his picture taken with a Swedish swimsuit model.

CELL PHONES ARE NEAT !

As a person who works at home I really don't spend many hours at Dunder Mifflin , ESRI or teaching the youth of America. So when I head out to interact with my fellow man its kinda a big deal. See when I am at home I have this thing called a telephone. When it rings I check caller ID and then on a rare occasion I answer the phone. Here is the deal when in god's name did being on a telephone become the most amusing thing in a person life.

Yesterday at the Starbucks located by the jamba juice I watched the above scene played out over and over. Sitting outside there were 2 girls in there early 20's , For 38 minutes the one girl talked on the phone to someone else. The other chick was so envious. she just kept checking her phone. She so wanted a call or a text , something. I mean how else would she validate her existence.

I really felt for the poor girl. I only hope that someday she will own a Suburban. She will drive her kids to Valley Prep and Talk on her cell phone all day. Keep the dream sweetie.

But seriously. Have you ever sat outside at the Citrus plaza and watched the number of people with that phone stuck to the side of there head. Imagine living in the 1980 's and someone showed you a picture from today. What would you guess those people were all doing ?

I will save my rant about text messaging for another day. Lets just say I don't subsrcibe and if you TEXT , you must be a 14 year old girl.

Anyhow , Here is a thoughtful solution to this problem

Historically the iconic phone booth represented a place where one could go to be alone for a private conversation, transform into superman or travel through time. Today, it’s obsolete in most cities. With the Portable Cellular Phone Booth, one can transform from a member of society to one that is closed off.

WHAT IS A BLUE LUPINE FLOWER

Since I have no kids, I work for the government. I can pretty much live and work at anywhere USA. I researched the top 100 places to live. All of the towns have these great sounding names. Lots of recreation, education, low crime , etc. I have to admit the thought of relocating was sounding tempting. Yeah, tempting until I saw # 92 on the list. Please read below Money magazines description of Grand Terrace.

92. Grand Terrace, Calif.
Population: 13,200Median home price (2006): $379,986Average property taxes (2006): $1,981Nestled between the Blue Mountain to the east and La Loma Hills to the west, this Inland Empire city offers great views and cool weather. Residents especially enjoy springtime, when the Blue Lupine flowers bloom on the mountain. The town proper is gorgeous in its own right, filled with unique houses and plenty of open space. Couple that with a high-performing school and friendly community, and Grand Terrace is a find in Southern California.

Wow, I would love to read Money Magazines description of a Colonoscopy.

Thanks I will just stay here in Redlands where the purple snow capped mountains reach the clear blue skies.

WHY I DONT DRINK AT WALMART

Where do you eat, where do you drink, who works on your car, who cuts your hair?

For me that answer has always been easy. From someone who has one location and the location is Redlands.

The recent opening of HANGAR 24 in town reminded me of why I have adopted this business model. Not a fan of the Super store. Although I have always wanted to say I own a 5 gallon can of black Olives.

Hangar 24 is a low key brewery out by the airport. Yes, we have a Airport in Redlands No chicken wings or Jalapeno poppers. Just some of the beast micro brew beer in the world. The Orange wheat is wicked good.

So on your way home from Jiffy Lube after a trip to super cuts ,remember you can still save your night with a trip to Hangar 24. If your not in the mood to drive to the aero puerto. most of the other local pubs and restaurants are now pouring hangar 24.

Thanks Ben for bringing beer to our town.

IRON MAN IS NOT A DRUNK

The last two Sundays I have gone to the Kevorkian. Today's feature was Iron Man. A truly inspirational movie. How did Robert Downey Jr. go from the dude in the " Mug Shot" to Iron Man. That has to be the greatest transformation on the planet. Just goes to show you can always reinvent yourself and get a second chance. The " dude " also played a villain. It was kinda hard to watch him drink scotch when you know he's a white Russian man.











Last weekend I saw forgetting Sarah Marshall. Truly the funniest aptow movie since the 40 year old virgin. Go to the web site and find your Hawaiian name. Kenneth from 30 rock plays a virgin on his honeymoon. His wife is hitting her stride and trying to push him a little too fast. He has the funniest line in the movie. In reference to his wife's body " If God was a city planner he would not have put a sewer so close to the playground "

Next weekend I will be hosting a field trip to the movies for all the other Single losers in town. As Michael Scott would say it's not the hornyness its the loneliness.

T-SHIRTS I MAY OR MAY NOT OWN

MAYBE THIS SHIRT HELPS



HEROS COME IN ALL SIZES

FOR DRINKING

SORRY BUT IT'S TRUE

I HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR A LONG TIME

ITS AN ELECTION YEAR

FEAR THE TAMPOON

Do you know these people? Are you one of them? What people do I speak of? Let me give you a not so fictitious conversation I had in the last 24 hours.

Bike dude: What happened out there did your Kotex slip?

Bike dude: Did your skirt ride up?

Bike dude: Are you on your period?

Apparently said individual has no female role models. Or maybe he is casting for a new “Tampax “commercial for men.

The point is this. who are these people. Would I be a stronger rider? If all I did was ride? , Would he be a more humble person if he did anything but ride? Does Uncle Rico need to go into a back in 1980 speech?

I love riding with this guy. God help you if you can’t change a flat as quick as Jeff Gordon’s pit crew (NASCAR). This task apparently has another correlation to your Sexual performance.

So the question I pose is simple. Is there a strong correlation between femine napkins and cycling? Do the last 10 guys on the Tuesday night ride wear something with wings? Is that why there chamois fit irregularly.

In the High end world of cycling I guess were all just one bad crit practice away from the feared Tampax reference. Fear the tampon and keep pedaling.

Yoga , What is that short for ?

Since the Marathon is behind me, I decided I need to get my core and flexibility back on track. I went to the gym to check out the various classes being offered.

I took the Yoga class.

I bought a teel yoga mat. I put my mat on the ground. When I came back this dude was on it.

I got the hell out of there. That pose was way to intimidating.

But seriously have you ever seen the peolpe in the aerobic room. That's all just a little too serious. Spend all day at dunder mifflin . hook up your leotard then get some boot camp, kick box and spin till bed time. Really.

Anyhow , to the dude that took my mat , keep it.

Do They still shoot horses ?

Some of the towns along the way



I still couldnt move hours after the race had ended.
The yellow fork life behind me should do the trick.

112 th Boston Marathon Finish Line

I should have known I was in trouble when I bought my training schedule from a guy on E-Bay. The auction item read as follows:

For Sale, “7-Week Boston Marathon Training Schedule.” Only used once. This is guaranteed to get you to the finish line (although it may be in a wheel barrel or ambulance).

Start with a zero running base and run a 10 miler for your first long run. Increase mileage by 2 miles each week until you get to 18 miles. This will take you 5 weekends. After you complete the 18 miler, you will need to start your taper.

During the taper, feel free to indulge in plenty of high risk sports. Such events as bike racing, luge or “Tap Out Wrestling” are recommended. Continue to drink like a fish.

Don’t run during the week days. Don’t do any planned marathon pace runs. Don’t even think about running any mile repeats. If you are part of a running club and you have a mid-week night to run, it’s OK to run with the group, but don’t push it and make sure to go out after wards to “ Red Robin “ or the “ Tartan.”

My time was about 1 hour slower than my last Marathon. It would be so easy to blame it on e-bay and buy it now option. Funny thing was after 20 marathons or so. This was my favorite race. Interval mile repeats are really helpful for race day. But when things go south its better to have a sense of humour.